Beware the stories we tell ourselves

Some days ago, I was reading a post on Quora about emigrating to Canada. The person who had posted an answer was saying that she shifted to Canada a few months ago "in order to give a better life for her 2 year old son" and went on to describe the immigration procedures and protocols. 

What caught my attention is the underlying justification behind her decision, which formed the basis for effecting an irreversible change in her life and that of her son. 

Of course, it is quite possible that the author and her son were subject to oppression, persecution and unspeakable horrors from her family and society back in India, and emigration was the only option. But then, it is also quite unlikely that someone who has fled persecution would be writing so openly, and make no references to their trauma as part of their decision. 

The more plausible explanation is that, it was her choice and preference to emigrate to another country in search of a better life. But something was pricking within her mind, and to silence this voice, she has been repeating to herself that she is doing it for the benefit of her son. 

That is the fatal mistake most of us do. When conscience pricks, we prefer to renarrate our decisions and silence it, rather than listen to what it is saying and be led by it. 

The son in this story is too young to have consciously preferred Canada over India. And even if she genuinely believed that she is emigrating for the best interests of her son, there is no guarantee that this decision is in fact in his best interests. 

As the saying goes: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

How then do we realistically estimate what would be "good" for our children? Is it a nihilistic question and do we just take on a fatalistic belief that no matter what we do for them, they will always blame us; or no matter whether we care for them or not, they will be happy on their own? 

Of course, we cannot predict the future or others' preferences-- even if it is of our own kin. But we can provide them the necessary foundations that are reasonably stable, on top of which , they can build their lives. 

In order to understand these dimensions, we need to take a longish look into the future. Surely, Canada was a better place to live in (in terms of material wealth and comfort) than India, at the time of her writing. But will it still be the same, after 20 years, when her son is ready to go into the world on his own? Similarly, is a better material wealth able to compensate for questions like "Who am I?" "Why was I born? "What is the purpose of my life?" and so on, that her son might ask when he is able to think on his own? 

In dharmic philosophy, there are at least four dimensions that characterize the well being of a person's life. These are called the Purusharthas, and the four Purusharthas as dharma (sustainability), artha (wealth), kama (pleasure), and moksha (spiritual liberation).  

If we notice, these are pretty much what drives our decision-making throughout our lives. We may be driven by sustainability considerations, worrying about how we will survive over time. We may be lured to faraway lands by wealth and the promise of power. We may be lured by its promise of pleasure and living out our fantasies. Or finally we may make decisions to move away from our existing lives, out of a sense of disillusionment with material life and its shallow pursuits. 

It is important for us to be aware of what is driving our decisions. There is per se, nothing "wrong" in moving away to some other place in pursuit of wealth or pleasure. The only thing that would be better than this, would be to pursue wealth and pleasure not just for us as individuals, but for the larger system that we are part of, and for the entire world. But then, not everyone thinks of things bigger than themselves-- and that is perfectly fine too. 

But if we keep telling ourselves that our decision to uproot ourselves is a "sacrifice" we are doing for the sake of our children, we will end up bringing them up with a sense of guilt or burden-- as though, we have endured unavoidable hardships just so that they can get a better life. They will not even be able to ask what is so much better in this life as compared to where we were born. Disdain and contempt for their roots will become a part of their identity and deeply embedded into their sense of self. And this can cause deep rooted trauma in the children, that the parents may not even be aware of. 

The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions-- or rather, with the comforting stories that we tell ourselves.